Bullying in High Schools, My Story...

Last year I wrote an article about my experiences with bullying in high school in the online magazine I write for, Teen Spirit eZine. It's sparked a lot of interest from a number of interest groups, I was invited to speak at a conference initiated by Jflag and the British Commission. At the end of it I felt satisfied that I had spoken about what was happening. This is a situation that not many persons are brave enough to speak about. A number of persons came up to me and thanked me for highlighting the matter. I felt content. So i've decided to publish it on my blog for all to see. Feel free to share.

I wondered how I wanted the message to be delivered and what emotions I should appeal to. I asked myself, at the end of this do I want my audience to feel angry, to sympathize with me, to feel guilt or should I end on a note that will allow them to feel content. Then I realized that my story is what it is and it cannot be changed, what you take from this and how you feel at the end of my speech will tell you what side you are on.

More attention has been placed on bullying and its harsh consequences. Many victims of bullying have committed suicide, dropped out of school performed poorly academically and far too many of us have been emotionally and physically scarred. I say “us” because I too was a victim bullying and I still am.

Thankfully, there are now hundreds of campaigns to help stop bullying and celebrities and public figures have endorsed many of them. Sadly there aren’t any such campaigns here. As a result many students who are or perceived to be gay, lesbian or not as masculine or feminine as society says they should be, are routinely bullied.

To be honest, I’m not the most masculine person. My strange gender behaviour and expression were being highlighted since primary school. I was teased a lot at an age where words hurt the most. Being called a sissy and ‘gyal [girl] boy’ or mantu at age 10 isnt the best feeling.

I was fortunate to have friends to help get me through those moments. It was from a very young age that I realized how important friends are in a person’s life.

Eventually, like always, the teasing died down as my schoolmates became more familiar with me but there were always a few individuals who deemed it their responsibility to revive the teasing.

When I left for high school I promised myself that I won’t let what happened in primary school reoccur. For the first few months I tried my best to be “manly”. It didn’t work.

I had an extremely hard time. I realized that despite my efforts, changing who you are and have been for thirteen years overnight is impossible. Two months after starting high school the teasing started again. I handled it like I usually do. I stayed by myself to wallow in self-pity then get over it. It got worse in Grade 8 when the older students noticed that I’m “different”.

My grades fell drastically. I was a true truant --- skipping classes and skipping school.

I knew what I was doing was wrong but I didn’t want to be in the hostile environment that, at the time, Thought I had created for myself.

I blamed myself for the situation I was in. I used to pray and beg God to change who I am.

Most mornings, I got up to go to school and just stayed in bed and cried.

I tried changing myself again. I paid close attention to the guys who were teasing me.  I looked at how they dressed, how they talked, how they did their hair. I endeavored to emulate them. I wanted to belong. So I bleached my face, started wearing tight pants, curled my hair and dyed it jet black, because that’s how the popular boys carried themselves. I also started disrespecting my teachers and getting suspensions every week.

Jamaica’s lackluster involvement in the fight against bullying is even reflected in formal institutions. For years while in high school I reported the problems I was having, there was never any affirmative action. It was when I was in grade 11, my final year, that the school finally did something. This was after I was almost attacked on the street by a group of schoolmates, this is after I learned that students were taking knives to school to “have fun” with me.

 When will we learn? When will our cries be heard? How many teenagers need to kill themselves before action is taken?

Who should we blame? Should we blame society for the unusual culture they’ve embraced? Should we blame the parents who would beat the “the gyal” out of their son? Should I blame the teacher who same me then turned to his colleague and said “a fish dat enuh” Should we blame the church? orr should we blame the two political parties who have cowardly refused to take action at the real matter at hand? Perhaps they all have a hand in this.

But one thing I do know. The victims should not be blamed or traumatized for the intolerance and ignorance of others.

At the end of grade 8 I had an epiphany. I realized I couldn’t allow negativity to steer me in the wrong way. I am who I am and who I am, is who I am. I have friends who support and accept me for me, I have a loving family who loves me for who I am, that’s all that matters. However, I also know of the vast majority of students who are like me but do not have such support or are too scared to find out if their families and friends would support them.

I never once said I was going to take my life or harm myself, but I am just one person.

To those who are being bullied I would say to them, it gets better. There’s bad, but don’t forget that there are good people in the world as well and they are the ones who you should focus on, even if it’s just one. It does get better, but don’t be naïve it doesn’t go away completely.

I will forever be thankful for the teachers I had, they proved to me that being a teacher is far more than just writing on the board. I have taken my past and it has made my future very clear. I want to be a teacher, I want to be a motivational speaker, I want to be able to do what i’m doing now, II want to be that person to help others and let them know that I’ve been through it and to tell them that self worth is the only requirement, IT GETS BETTER.