This Is Dervin Osbourne

Today I decided to write about a sensitive topic to me and one that I’ve been pretty hesitant to openly speak about. It’s the matter of self esteem and self confidence.  When I asked persons what they think of me, many whether they know me personally or via the web say that I’m a confident person who is not afraid to express myself and most importantly is not moved by negative comments whatsoever. Though this may be true, this confidence did not come over night, nor was it developed in a month. Think more along the lines of 5 years

On facebook where for a sometime I was known as “the king of facebook” my statuses were very raunchy and loose. I always posted statuses that most males would never do. I would say things like “raeeeee a wah do some gyal”, things only girls do. Also, my statuses were very opinionated, often contrary to the opinions of the majority, yet I would still say it. These acts were of course what made persons believe that my confidence was through the roof, as I seemed to not care about what others had to say. The same occurred on Twitter.

In real life, I am considered the backbone to my friends. The one they would come to for help and advice, the one who cheered them up when they needed it.

At school I would always portray this image of a confident person. I would always try to have a smile on my face and shake my head at all the negativity brought before me.

All of this basically explains why persons think that way about me.  And You are correct, For my journey has ended and now I’m now proud of who I am and I closed the door on all negative comments. Why though? Why am I like this now?

As mentioned before my statuses on facebook and on twitter were very stereotyped. And so in return I was stereotyped. I was then being labeled as all sorts of things. Called names that has been with me since primary school. Being bullied over the web was one thing.

 The bulk of my horror story occurred in high school. I was many times threatened, some were passive. It didn’t sink in until I was  surrounded on the street by boys holding weapons and told that I was going to be killed and a knife brought to school for me. This all happened during the Csec exams, never would have guessed huh? Only my mother I think understood the pain I went through. I hid it from everyone else. Of course! Who would want to see a confident person like Dervin show fear? This resulted in me being afraid to go to school and I didn’t, I stayed home where I was safe.

In addition that situation where my confidence was fading away, earlier in 2010, I was faced with another problem - Maintaining my self esteem. This was a big challenge for me.

 I kept wondering what persons were thinking of me when I go out. That is, how I dress. Before, that was never a problem for me. I think what really made it hard for me was the fact that persons who I considered my friends were the ones saying it. Imagine your friends saying horrible stuff about you and you find out in the most inappropriate manner. No one really knew how much it bothered me as I keep my emotions suppressed as you might have grasped while reading.

I reached my breaking point earlier in February when I just gave up. I was rude to everyone and went against all rules. I yearned for attention, other than at home. I remember saying really inappropriate things on twitter just to get some attention.

You see, the Durvii you see now was not the Durvii you knew a couple of months ago. The question is how did I overcome this?

No I didn’t look to God nor did I ask him for help. I TOLD MYSELF that I wasn’t going to let negativity take control of my life. In April while I was hiding from the world. I heard my mother say something. She said “yuh cyaa mek dem tings deh make yuh lose hope”. Those weren’t her exact words, but its somewhere along that line. I laughed, and I whispered to myself, “didn’t I just say this?”

So just like that, my confidence was restored. I went to school and laughed. And this time, I wasn’t suppressing anything. I was actually laughing because I was happy. In the end, I left school with 4 ones and 2 twos.

Now on to the issue of my self esteem. I remember I was getting dressed to go to a party and I looked in the mirror and wondering if they would like what I had one then I laughed to myself and shook my head. THEY WHO? I LIKED WHAT I HAD ON, AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS.

The day after someone tweeted something like “well if you didn’t look recycled garbage, maybe I wouldn’t stare at you” that person was referring to me. When I saw that, I contemplated my response, but it wasn’t worth it. Why argue over something like that? It didn’t bother me, not one bit.

Here and there I still get remarks or cheeky statements about my attire, but it doesn’t bother me. I have mastered to the art of Not Giving a Damn.

I learned to appreciate myself for who I am, my mother loves me, my family loves me, my friends love and appreciate me for me. And that’s all that matters. I’ve learned to not dwell on negativity, it’s not healthy.